A Nun's Inner Dialog with Sai Baba
October 8th, 1989
Dear Don Mario,
I will go on to tell you what Baba revealed to me on the 13th of September. That day I was quite downcast (I miss having my friends to talk to about Sai Baba), and I was also angry with him. I was asking him why he had made himself known to me. When I was through expressing my bitterness to him, I continued to look at him in silence. From the silence a dialog emerged, which left me rather perplexed when I re-read it:
"You do not know who you have been, but this life is your last hand to play. That is why I have made myself known to you, in order to help you. Dear Daughter, I know that you struggle very hard, and that your will is weak. It is no use to you to know what you have been: it is enough for you to know what you are now: divine. At the point you have reached you can no longer go back, because the road is no longer there; I have erased it. You can only go forward. It is a difficult stretch of road ahead, but if you only knew how close you are to seeing the snow shining in the sun! Believe me, because it is the truth. I love you, dearest daughter, and I cannot wait for you to be with me. Your journey, your search for Me, has been long and tiring. Whether you loved me during the journey does not matter; what counts is your love now. Understand what I am telling you, my child! You are not alone. I am with you. Trust me. Do not search for doubts that are not there. You know that I am your God, why do you wish to deny it? Always feel My presence in your heart, and call Me in every circumstance, as Me, and I will always answer you. I look on you with joy, and I love you very much."
January 11, 1990
Dearest Don Mario,
The astounding history of Babaji, that great Master who is immune to death, who appears always as a young man, and who they say is in intimate contact with Christ, makes me think of Christ's words: "What concern is it to you if I wish to remain here until I return?"
If I remember correctly, I think you told me that you had been to see Babaji. You were very lucky, given that according to the book he lives on the northern peaks of the Himalayas, and his body is visible only to a small group of people on this earth. Since you saw him, what do you think about him? Sometimes I wonder if India isn't all science-fiction.
Do you consider the presence of a guru essential in one's life? Can Sai Baba be my guru even if I am not near him physically?
Dear Don Mario, I feel like I am entering ever deeper into another world, a world which is raised above earthly problems and anxieties, a world which quivers only with the Divine. Your words upset me: God is everything, God is nothing. Can't God be conceived as something definite? Where on earth is India leading me? Towards God I am sure of it; and Baba, who is surer than I am, says that I am not made to live in this human world. He encourages me to live in God, for God and only for God, with my heart and mind always turned toward God, immersed in God.
One morning, gazing at the living Image that you gave me, I said to Baba:
"Dear Master, don't you think that as your disciple I should at least see you?"
Baba answered: "Why? Aren't you seeing Me this very moment? Remember that every time you look at Me in this picture, I am really present."
I said: "But what is the sign that this is really true?"
"The sign is the peace which enters your heart, the fact that your breath and mind fill to the brim, and you are lost in sweet silence."
I exclaimed: "Does that mean I can have your Darshan whenever I wish?"
"Whenever you wish."
I told him that this seemed too good to be true; and he said: "If you don't believe these simple things, how will you believe greater things?"
"Baba, what do I have to do?"
"Dear child, you do not have to do anything except love God. You are now in my school, and I want you to spend all your free time with me."
Dear Don Mario, I have realized that I have spent enough time learning, and now the time has come to Love, the time in which I have to strengthen and intensify my love for God.
On New Year's Eve, at 10 p.m., I couldn't decide whether to go to my room, or go to a hall where some guests were celebrating and waiting for the new year. I asked Baba, and He answered: "Stay with Me, W., spent this time in My company; you have guests every day and all day." These words moved me, because they are like the words of Jesus: "You will always have the poor with you."
April 10, 1990
Dearest Don Mario,
I am alone, with Baba. Or rather, I cannot talk about Baba with anyone, and when I do, I only cause trouble. The other day, when we were all gathered together, a sister made some insinuations for the nth time. It irritated me: I answered back that enough was enough, and that if she had something to say, she should say it openly. I added that everyone is free to follow and love Christ as she pleases, and with whatever aids she feels are necessary. With this last remark I raised a real hornet's nest. For a while I tried to face up to the attacks, but then I followed the advice of an inner voice which was saying: why are you getting so upset? Let them talk!
What they said was basically this: it is obvious that a muslim cannot help you in seeking Christ.... people like that do everything for money; we have to proclaim Christ and His Gospel;, and not other things.
I spoke to my confessor about the Conference on Human Values at Assisi. He was pleased until he learned that even though the program was open to all, the participants would be mostly lay people involved in an organization which was started in India, and headed moreover by a man named Sai Baba. At this point he started saying that even Human Values can be distorted if they are presented by people who espouse non-Christian, and particularly non-Catholic, doctrines. This triggered a lively discussion. When he left he said that I would be doing him a favor if I would take some time to speak with him about this subject. He cares for me, and he is convinced that I am on the wrong path.
What do I do now? Should I go? Should I stop going? It is clear that he will never accept the Sai Baba question.
Speaking of "never", one day I said to Baba: "The Catholic Church will never accept You, just as they will never accept your theories, or rather your truths." I got this answer:
"In the fullness of time, God sent His Son. In the fullness of time, the Father began moving towards His children. There will be a particular fullness of time for each child, because it will not happen at the same moment and in the same way for everyone. I love you so much, dear daughter. God does not worry about how things will go, because in the end they will in any case go according to His Will."
Thinking about the imminent visit by the Mother Superior of our Province, and about the fact that she can go anywhere, I had the idea of hiding Baba's picture. Then I felt that I would be acting inconsistently with my faith, so I left it where it was, telling Baba not to get me into trouble. So the Mother Superior (who had certainly been informed about everything) said to me: "I went into your room, and I saw another Jesus Christ." I said: "You mean Sai Baba!" She answered: "Be careful, because many ideologies which define themselves as religious are considered sects. Sects cause you to lose your faith; if you care for your faith, I repeat, be careful."
Dearest Don Mario,
Some time ago, I was living my days in a state of confusion, and I could no longer see my way clearly on anything. I did not know where I was going, what I was looking for, who I was following. I felt like I had gone back to being the person I was before I knew about Sai Baba, with the same negative qualities I had then. One Thursday morning, I decided firmly to let Baba go and to retrace my steps. He doesn't help me. Why should I listen to him? I sent him away: "You can go now, and the sooner the better!"
After that, I started to pray, looking first at a picture of Jesus, and then, as usual, I addressed the Father. At the very thought of Him I was immersed, submerged in a sea of peace, serenity, Love. I prayed like this: "Father, please forgive me if I called someone 'Father' who isn't, if I gave my heart to someone I shouldn't have; if I made a mistake, I am ready to undo it. I do not want to lose Your love, I want to believe in you, in Jesus and in Mary, His mother."
Then I went on to ask Him this question: "Tell me, Father, who is Sai Baba?" There was no answer except a sentence of Sai Baba's, which crossed the sky: "Do everything with love in your heart." I paid it no mind: I had resolved to remain in prayer until He gave me a clear answer. I asked the same question to Jesus too, but it seemed as if He did not want to interfere in things that pertained to His Father. After a while, I gave up. I felt that I was squandering Love with that silly stubbornness, and I said to Him: "It doesn't matter if You don't want to tell me who he is: but allow me to remain in this adorable presence of Yours."
It was at this moment, when I no longer was expecting anything, that other thoughts crossed the sky: "I am He, Baba is I. Dear daughter, it is not easy for you to understand it, but it is really true."
Now I will tell you a dream I had. I was confessing my sins to Baba, in a strange way. I was holding a little book in my hands, and Baba explained to me in his words the meaning of what I had read. Then I began to read again, as the dream dissolved. When I was awake, I could no longer remember anything of what I had read or what Baba had said, so my first reaction was: why do you allow me to dream about you if then I can't remember any of it? But then, thinking about it carefully, I remembered a detail which explained everything, that is, explained the "lesson" Baba wanted to teach me. During the dream I was preoccupied with asking Baba a question, and I was waiting for the right moment to ask it. The question was: Are you really God?"
"As long as you worry, as long as you ask yourself these questions which should now be obvious, you do not penetrate into the depth of My message, of My teachings, of My love, but you remain just on the surface! As long as you have these misgivings in you, how will you be able to understand my discourses, even if I were to explain them to you through your inner senses?"